58.2 - Popcorn (Alycia & Summer)

General Roll20
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21

Alycia blinks for a moment. Whoa. That suddenly became serious.

This isn’t the first time Summer’s expressed this opinion about Jason and her. I’ve always resented it a little bit – too much like I’m being pushed, too much like my own fears and worries and sense of not being … good enough for Jason. Or for happiness. Or – whatever.

“I can’t argue you’re wrong,” she says, softly. “Jason needs so much from me. And I – need a lot from him, too.” She nods, then frowns. “And that’s part of the problem. The frightening part, y’know? How can someone so needy be someone I can trust? How can someone so needy be someone worthy of him? How much of it is just him settling for me because I’m around?”

She leans back, waving her hands, increasingly agitated. Her voice starts breaking from the flawless American accent she usually affects, showing her English upbringing and years since around people of dozens of other tongues. “Or me settling for him, because he’s the only person who’d – because he is why I came here, Summer. Why I turned myself in, why I’m here. I mean, yeah, I decided I couldn’t do it any more, obey my father, follow him, obey when he ordered me to – I couldn’t follow that way of life. I knew it was wrong. So yay on me! But I could have gone to ground anywhere. I could have turned myself into the DC offices of AEGIS. Or New York City. Or gone to the UK – no death penalty for terrorism there, right? But I came here. To be near --” She stops, her voice choked. “-- To. Be. Near. Him. How pathetic is that? Especially if I can’t – won’t – seal the deal? Won’t commit? I want to, but I’m afraid to. I don’t even mean getting married or engaged or my wearing his letterman’s jacket. I mean even just saying, doing …” She trails off into an inarticulate, angry growl.

“We have fun together. But – we don’t talk. We’re too close, it’s all too fraught. So I play the snarky hard-ass. And he’s either la-la-la-Jason, head in the clouds, or if he gets his nose rubbed in it that something is serious, then he becomes uber-protective Jason, the Hero of Halcyon. We – he’s showing me Disney movies. Part of my ‘cultural re-education’. We watched Lilo & Stitch the other night – and he had no idea why I was so upset. He just liked the music and the animation style and and the goofy Man in Black and – and I had to explain to him why I was in fucking tears about a story of a creature created by an evil scientist as a weapon, who flees and finds a family of misfits. He just – didn’t get it, and then when he did he wiped the movie off his entertainment center so that it wouldn’t upset me any more, and spent the rest of the evening apologizing!”

She shakes her head and draws an arm across her eyes. “Хренотень’! This always seems to happen when I talk with you.” The tone is dark, then she barks out something that might be a laugh. “You bring out the something in me. I don’t know if it’s the best, but it’s honest.”

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6932603

22

“Honest is best,” Summer says in a gentle voice. “Even when it hurts. We learned that again with Adam, didn’t we.”

She turns slightly on the couch, looking directly, still mindful to keep her hands to herself.

“It’s not pathetic to want someone, or just anyone. It’s just human. It’s not surprising you’d doubt yourself, doubt him, doubt everything, feel fear, all of that. This is just the process of growing. And I’m going through it too. Like a tree, making new rings. There’s the Leo’s-girlfriend ring. There’s the staying with Jason ring. There’s Blintzkrieg ring. There’s Alycia’s roommate. I don’t know what’ll be next.”

“I knew friendship with you would take time, and work. It has been tough. And totally worth it. I think you and Jason will take time, and work, and be tough. And…”

There’s another sigh, as she gathers strength. “… I understand, though, at least I think I do. Wanting something and being afraid to take hold of it, wondering if being true to myself requires that I stay away, feeling hurt about how unfair things are… Thinking maybe it’s just me, that I’m alone in what I’m going through. And it’s difficult, sometimes, it’s really hard…”

She pauses, and smiles brightly. “Huh. I’d forgotten that. The Menagerie. Back when we’d researched names, I’d talked about Lilo & Stitch. And that family means nobody gets left behind. And yeah, we might be misfits, but I want us to be your misfits.” And she spends a little social currency on a quick, tentative hug.

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6932662

23

Alycia stiffens for a moment, then grabs Summer in a tight, fierce hug. Nothing her advanced tech frame and outer shell can’t handle, of course, but the pressure sensors note that a normal human would probably be making whooshing and groaning sounds in response.

“You are not alone!” she hisses in Summer’s left ear. “Never. You are – you are oh-ohana.” Her voice breaks slightly. “Family. If you will have me, I will have you.”

Another squeeze, then she holds Summer back out, a hand gripping each shoulder. The smirk is back, even if her eyes are wet. “Though be warned that I identify both as the weaponized experiment and as the emotionally troubled little girl. Maybe you can be the responsible big sister who tries to do the right, supportive thing, no matter how exasperated she must get.”

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6932858

24

Summer beams happily, though she’s not too far from tears herself. Every time Alycia opens up a little more, it feels like a crack in the dam.

“You’re a responsible big sister too, you know,” she grins. “We can trade roles when we need, but yes, you will always be part of my family. And I would love to be part of yours.”

She draws in breath, feeling like it’s the right time for a little more honesty. “Jason might get the wrong idea if I said I loved him. Probably some other ideas if I said I loved you. But I do, to both of you, to my other friends too. And he does care about you, and love you, sweetie, I know it for a fact.”

“The others - well, I dunno about love, but you know? Nobody’s ever, ever come to me, or Leo, or Aria, and said something bad about you. We want you on the team. We want you at school. You’re like the rest of us emotionally troubled dangerous people. You belong.”

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6932871

25

“Mine is a family of one,” Alycia says, her tone, unlike her eyes, dry. She drops her hands. “As far as I’m concerned, but I’m happy to …” She trails off, unable to find the right words.

“And – yeah, Jason is … when it comes to females, he has problems differentiating philia from eros. I find most males do.” A memory, presumably, flickers across her face. “And, yes, your saying to him that you love me would open an entirely different line of confusion – though, again, in all fairness, that seems to be a Y-chromosome-related thing.”

She cocks her head. “But you are a loving person, beyond any reserves of cynicism I might have, Summer Newman. And … yeah, I know Jason loves me. I … love him. I just don’t know if it’s in the right way, or enough, or … and --” She holds up her hands. “I know, I know, I know what you’re going to say. I just – my tank’s topped off as far as being told I’m a wonderful person. For tonight, anyway.”

Alycia pauses a moment, then reaches out and puts a hand atop one of Summer’s, lightly. “But you, for all your advice and reassurance and encouragement of others, have your own doubts about yourself. Your ‘wondering if being true to myself requires that I stay away’ – from Leo and Aria?”

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6932901

26

This line of questioning makes Summer look away, but she continues to smile. She realizes she could ramble, talk probably too long and too much about her own issues, reveal things she’s not ready for. She settles for what she hopes is a brisk digest of the situation.

“As - as friends, we’ll always be close. No question. Those two have a special relationship. I need distance from that, not from them. Otto’s got a similar problem. He’s using Phoenix wrangling to keep him occupied. And I have Blintzkrieg, and the Menagerie.”

She hems and haws on how much to say next. “If you like the Greek divisions, I’ll own up to agape and philia any time. I think storge is for children, and I don’t have any.” May never have. “Eros is, hngg, I dunno. I never got a chance–”

She switches directions, and frowns a moment. “There’s - how things look, too, I guess. If I keep sitting with Aria at school, she’ll sit with Leo, maybe boys won’t approach me, ‘cause they’re not sure what’s going on with us, right? I’m kinda doin’ that, um, deliberately. I remember talking to you about robot recognition, about my job and school and stuff, saying that was the easier path for me? Am I doing that again, here? Am I wrong to? What do you think?”

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6932926

27

Oh, Isis forfend, again people are asking me_ for relationship advice? As if I am a model of healthy relationships._

She trusts me, though. She’s asking_ for my ostensible wisdom._

Okay, hyper-genius – earn that title.

“I think – the issue is not what you want, but what you fear. You fear damaging what Leo and Aria have – and fear more, I suspect, damaging your relationship to them by pressing the matter. I think you do them a disservice, but I’ll be honest enough to say that what that relationship is actually like between the three of you – focusing just on Leo, Aria, and you – is outside of my own experience, or any meat-person’s. It’s not truly incestuous, but it has some of the over-intimate fraughtness of that. But it’s also not – and forgive the crudity, but the language doesn’t work right here, either – masturbatory, but there’s an identity of individuals there that has elements of that, rightly or wrongly. The shared identity you have makes it far more than just a mere triangle, or a menage a trois, but --”

She abruptly stops. Amaterasu on a velocipede, could you be any more analytical and clinical, Alycia? This isn’t a presentation at a psychiatric conference, fergoshsake.

“Okay, ignore everything I just said. This is the core of any answer I can give you: you are a good person – a good person – and anything you do, any choice you make, should extend from that premise. Trust that. Believe in that. Whether you try to grow closer again to Aria and Leo, or find an outside relationship – philia and/or eros – of your own (and I note that you left out that Otto seems to be taking that course with his friend Mary), do it based on your worth, your worthiness, and it will likely be the correct decision. Whether you pursue love as a robot, or as passing for meat-human (and understanding that’s kicking the can down the road), do what stems from your faith and confidence and love for the valuable person you are.”

Alycia rolls her eyes. “In a minute I’m about to tell you that our sportsball team can win the regional championship if you just go out and play with all your heart, so forgive me for that. I’m much better at recommending what knife you should bring to a gun fight --” She gestures at the frozen TV screen. “-- than what your love life should look like. But what I said was heart-felt – you are worthy of love and relationship beyond being everyone’s best pal. If the world was fair, it would just fall in your lap. It being not fair, you have to live up to it yourself.”

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6932954

28

If Summer is surprised or bothered by the clinical terms employed in the first half, she doesn’t show it at all. But at the mention of “growing closer again” to Aria and Leo, she shakes her head.

It’s only at the end that she explains herself a little more. “Being myself is the deal with, um, with Leo and Aria. He thought early on that he could love both Pneumas equally. He can. But we’re not just Pneuma any more. Aria’s changing. So am I. We’re not changing in the same way. Even if there’s love in Leo’s heart for two different girls - maybe, I dunno - I think I deserve better. And I think Aria does too. We ought - we ought to be enough for someone, each of us. Call it pride, but, whatever, I couldn’t live being one half of a girl.”

She squeezes Alycia’s hand. It’s not intentional, not even something she seems to notice herself doing. “As for anyone else? Ha. If you haven’t noticed, I’m kinda clingy, and I’m holding back with you. Can you imagine dating a clingy Terminator? I can’t be bargained with, can’t be reasoned with, won’t feel pity or remorse or fear, will not stop until someone is hugged. Any boy in his right mind would run screaming.”

“I don’t wanna hurt someone when they find out the truth about me - and they would, if we really loved each other, or were being honest, and I’d need that to happen. And I don’t wanna be hurt when someone rejects me, for being weird, being a robot, being too aggressive. And yeah, the world isn’t fair, we don’t get what we deserve, so…” She finishes with a shrug.

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6933117

29

Alycia looks skeptical. “You underestimate yourself, I think. I can’t see you as being ‘half of a girl,’ and I doubt either of them would. I could also – rrrg, talk at length, albeit academically, about the social and cultural aspects of polyamory, as a rebellion against societal strictures and impositions, as a trap to enable abuse, and as an interesting problem in multi-body physics and orbital instability … but I won’t. Besides, even with the divergence in your experience and personality, there are enough fundamental similarities between the three of you to throw any existing research out the window.”

She flashes a smile over a fleeting moment, before continuing, “Your situation and options outside of Leo and Aria are more complicated, I know.” She nibbles her lower lip. “Believe me, I know. If not Jason in my case, who would want the daughter of a terrorist and … lunatic killer as a girlfriend. Who could I open up to about my past outside of this weird little world of ours. Hell, I can’t even --” She shakes her head, clears her throat. “So I hear you, and – have no good answers. Keep secrets, even if possible, and the relationship has a crack in it that will someday cause it to break. Wear a sign around your neck saying you’re something weird, and you scare off any possibilities, except, I guess, people with weird pathologies.” An arched brow. “You probably don’t want to be involved with someone whose primary motive in being with you is thinking that robot chicks in anime are_ hawt._”

Alycia abruptly grabs a handful of popcorn and stuffs it in her mouth with vigor. Around it, she says, “I know people run into the same problem with less outre secrets than ours. ‘I was an child abuse victim.’ ‘I was a rape victim.’ ‘My dad did time in prison for armed robbery.’ ‘I have AIDS.’ ‘I was an involuntary commit in a mental hospital.’ ‘I had a radical mastectomy.’ Things they don’t want to talk about, things they are afraid will scare off people, turn off people. And even by saying those things, those examples, I’m denigrating you, because what you have isn’t a problem or a disease or a – a shameful past. What you have is a difference but – a really cool one.”

She gives a small chuckle. “I saw an article in The Daily Star a couple of years back – I was desperate for something to read – with Torchiere. And he said everyone figured that young, handsome super-hero equals chick magnet. But he said that some women were turned off by that – they didn’t want to be involved with a super-hero, too dangerous, or too much secrecy. Or they were afraid of fire, or even afraid that he might burst into flames in the middle of the night, having a nightmare, and burn them up. But he found someone who could love him for who he was, behind the mask.”

She gives Summer a light pat on the knee. “I can’t point you at who’s out there for you, but I know there’s someone who wants and needs and will respond to the good person you are, even the clingy parts.” She leans in, and whispers, “And if you find them, let me know, and I’ll kidnap them and bring them in and tie them to a chair for you to interrogate.” She smiles with a fiendish look in her eyes for a moment, then laughs. “Just kidding. On the kidnap part.”

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6933681

30

“What I have in common with those people is that we all have conditions.” Summer’s voice is soft, thoughtful. “Sometimes conditions lead to problems. Being shamed for something that happened to you is a problem. But I don’t feel denigrated at all for being added to that group. And sometimes those things can be blessings too.”

She looks up again, in better spirits by the look of it. “Leo suffered at his father’s hands. You suffered worse at yours. It’s led to problems for you both, but it’s also a source of strength. You’re both good team leaders for having gone through what you did. You understand the uses, and misuses, of power.”

A sly smile creeps onto her face. “And please, whatever your opinion of polyamory, don’t go tying up boys who want to date me. That’s my job.” There’s just enough of a pause to capture Alycia’s reaction, then an impish grin breaks out.

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6933739

31

Alycia rolls her eyes. “Oh, yes, the BDSM scene sounds like it’s totally you.” She smirks. “Unless it was with fur-lined cuffs. Pink fur-lined cuffs. And feathers. And maybe butterfly masks. And two dozen different safe words. And cookies after.” A snort.

Then she sighs. “Look, can we finish the show? I still have something I need to tell you about that you just reminded me of, and – I need to – reset my emotions for a couple of minutes, otherwise who knows where they might squirt out.” She makes a face. “That was an awful metaphor.”

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6933880

32

Summer folds her hands dutifully in her lap, and returns her attention to the show. But she doesn’t stop smiling, not once.

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6933919

33

The DVR has timed out by now, but Alycia manages to get the program running again. The swords-beating-on-bones test is completed, with the both blades but particularly the one from the better-equipped shop showing some chipping and curling on their edges.

Alycia frowns.

The final test is an attack by one of the judges on a set of “grass men” made of bamboo, to see what sharpness they still retain. When all is said and done, the sword forged in the coal fire wins the competition, netting that metalsmith a sizeable check and handshakes from the judges.

Alycia clicks off the TV with the remote, and with a look of disgust. “And after all of that, nobody gets to keep the blades they made. The show is filmed in New York state, which prohibits by law – doubtless to help forestall revolution – any instructional videos on weapons manufacture. Thus the weapons are classified by the production as props which, apparently, one can show how to craft, but must be turned in to the production company upon completion.” She sets down the remote. “Kept hidden, and safe.”

She takes a piece of popcorn, chews on it slowly, turning to look at the blank video screen as she goes on. “I have a matter that I have been giving a great deal of thought. I believe I know where my responsibility, my duty, lie, but I – don’t fully trust my judgment here, in about a dozen different directions. I would welcome your counsel.”

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6934075

34

Summer isn’t invested in the fate of the weapons, and isn’t sure she agrees with the motives Alycia attributes to the show or the state. But saying so doesn’t help, and silence gives the other girl part of the emotional reset she wants.

When it comes to being asked for advice, though, she smiles. “I’ll do my best to help you. What is it?”

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6934108

35

Alycia is silent for a long moment. Then she turns to Summer. “Three of my father’s organization members recently found me. They have been trying to track me down to help me continue my father’s mission. I – have not turned them in, though I know there are general warrants for arrest of anyone in Father’s former organization. Instead, I’ve found them jobs and a place to stay, to – keep them out of trouble.” Beyond the hesitations where she’s seeking the right words, Alycia’s tone is dispassionate, as if giving a report.

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6934245

36

This isn’t wholly outside Summer’s experience. Leo kept spare parts from Rossum’s old robots in his scrapyard home, before - before I was born. But at every moment, he treated them like unexploded bombs: something to study and understand, but never ever to regard as “safe”. And to the last, he was right not to do so, wasn’t he.

She shivers for a moment, in remembrance.

In the absence of emotional guidance - and her feelings are tapping out on this one - logic takes charge. She doesn’t look at any particular thing, or at Alycia, just out into space.

“You know what such people would be like better than anyone. You’d have sympathy for their situation, because you are kind. You’d want them to stay safe, and be comfortable. So they don’t want to ‘turn’, the way you did, or you’d have gone to AEGIS for asylum on their behalf, like you got. It follows that they’re still at least somewhat supportive of Dr. Chin’s agenda. It then follows that they’d not be supportive of your new agenda. But they went where you told them to go. It follows that they don’t know, or that they want you to think they don’t know.”

Her head finally comes up, and turns so eyes meet eyes. “Do you think they suspect? And what will they do when they find out? Not if, when.”

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6934275

37

She shakes her head. “I don’t know.” A bite on the lower lip. “They are still dedicated to the Great Mission. I don’t have personnel files on them, so I’m having to learn of their background, what makes them tick, why they are followers of my father. Sociopaths or mercs or idealists or victims of the status quo. Or combinations thereof. That’s what most of them are. Were. And/or offspring, in my case.”

She leans back. The very act of saying something has relieved something of the tension. “I feel – responsible for them, in some fashion. They’re looking to me for leadership.” She snorts. “I’ve given them an undercover assignment. I’m hoping I can establish them as moles – or thinking of themselves as moles. Covert agents being kept deep undercover, waiting for an order to strike. That could buy me a decade or more of safety. Maybe. Time for them to come to their senses.” A sigh. “I can’t just let them get thrown in a federal penitentiary or Camp Delta or an AEGIS black site for the rest of their lives. If my father deluded them into what they did in support of his efforts …”

Alycia stops. Her face twitches a few times. “If they don’t deserve a second chance, an opportunity to learn and be better, then I don’t.”

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6934388

38

Summer tries a brief hand on Alycia’s shoulder, but hopefully not for too long. “You do deserve it. So they do too.”

She draws back, clears her throat, and puts on her best Agent Parker voice. “Well, AEGIS Asset Alycia Chin, case file 12742. There’s three ways forward. First, you come off betraying AEGIS by not telling us about your own assets. Second, you come off betraying your own assets if you tell us about them, and we don’t trust you enough to bring them in, and do it ourselves. Or, you sell us on your ability to handle them, but keep us looped in.”

She goes back to normal, and smiles, though it’s tinged with concern. “I think you already know that I’ll suggest cooperation and truthfulness, in general. My insight into people like Rossum and Chin is that they don’t like people, they like automata, just that Chin preferred turning people into automata through homeschooling. The good news is that it’s potentially reversible. The bad news is that it’s fragile. Otto worked really hard bringing Leo back, and he wasn’t in the program for a lifetime. I imagine Jason had a hand in your reversal, and I think we can both acknowledge that’s still a work in progress.”

She shrugs. “I mean… I think the most important thing is to keep people safe. And they’re people too. So I think your Plan A is involve AEGIS, but convince them you’re in control. But you must have a Plan B, hard as it might be. Even if they go to a black site or something, y’know, we got to visit Leo’s dad. I don’t know if there’s hope for him, but if there’s any at all, I’m going to try. If we can see him, I hope you can see them, and do your part too, even if it comes to that. So don’t give up hope, okay?”

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6934440

39

Alycia jerks at the Parker voice, but then puts on a wan smile. Her face becomes more grim as Summer goes on. At the end she shakes her head. “I can’t trust AEGIS, because I can’t fully trust – well, trust that I do have them under control. I think I do, and I don’t think that, independently, they’re going to go out and start killing people or something – they wouldn’t make a move like that without checking with me – but that’s my personal judgment, and even Parker would be a hard sell for something that flimsy.”

She gets up, starts pacing. “AEGIS is like Father. They take – they have to take – the long view, the Greater Good, even if individuals get hurt along the way. But those three people are my responsibility, both as an inheritance from what my father did to them and because they came to me for help.” She gestures broadly “I can neutralize them, ground them out, I think, by refocusing their energies. Embed them in the community, with a purpose that requires them to keep their heads down. Let the community itself deprogram them. Let them see that the people living next door, the people running the grocery shop at the corner, the people all around them, are individuals, not numbers to be shuffled around as collateral damage to the damned Great Mission.”

Her voice rises. “What they should be doing is fighting for all those individuals, rather than for some abstract utopia. That was Father’s greatest sin, dammit. If I can get them to see that – that puts paid to Father’s insanity, Summer. He loses. We win.”

author: *** Dave H.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6934970

40

Summer thinks back. Her memories of what Alycia has talked about, what little she’s actually said about Dr. Chin, what Jason has said, and what she herself remembers about Rossum, all sort of blend together. She prays she’s right.

“‘Only I have the wisdom to do this, and only I can bear the responsibility. Only I have the vision to steer things properly, the others are wrong.’ Alycia, I know you asked my opinion, and I’m grateful, but right now that’s what I’m hearing. And it sounds uncomfortably familiar to the fathers we know, doesn’t it.”

She shifts uncomfortably. “I’m not saying you’re being your father. I’m saying, please be cautious of it. But at the same time, if you could make them safe for people around them, I think that would be wonderful. I just… I’ve learned not to trust that any single person can do something like that alone.”

author: Bill G.
url: https://app.roll20.net/forum/permalink/6934999