Mette: Why are you giving me sunglasses?
Kiln: Thematic costuming. I was thinking about what you said, about needing a catchy phrase to stay popular for our readers.
Mette: Look, I apologized for the “blast from the past” thing. I mean, I’m sure if you just invoke some ancient hero’s name when you charge into battle, that will be fine.
Kiln: I was actually concerned for you. You have even fewer instances of dialog than I do. As a hero, and your teammate and friend, I had to see you were cared for.
Mette: Oh, that’s so sweet.
Kiln: So I have been viewing the entertainments of this era, listening to its chants and folksongs. I believe one is perfect for you.
Mette: Thank you.
Kiln: So don these, and when you charge to battle, invoke this catch phrase: “Future so bright, I gotta wear shades.”
Mette: I – maybe not.
Kiln: I have also hand-sewn this orange padded vest, in case you prefer, “I am going Back to the Future!”
Mette: This might not have been –
Kiln: Too, I have researched a new hairstyle for you, of ringlets held high across your skull, so that you can invoke the war song, “Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love you, Tomorrow! You’re only a day away!”
Mette: I think I liked it better when I was failing to solve your problem.
Mette: Why are you giving me sunglasses?
((Since Roy/Sequoia appears as a speaker three posts above these stats, is there possibly a problem with the script?))
No, I just ran the script before some of those posts were made
Hellbinder: And we’ll take the first question from … E!
Reporter: Alex, your exposure among your team mates is nearly at the top. How does that make you feel?
Alex: Extremely uncomfortable.
Hellbinder: And from People …
Reporter: Joey, you seem to have twice the dialog instances that Sync does. To what do you credit that?
Joey: Everyone loves to look at the monkey.
Hellbinder: By which he means that the platform Phoenix Academy has provided to the alternately bodied provides him with an excellent position to perform before the global audience.
Joey: (Makes a rude gesture.)
Reporter: Roddy, your thoughts.
Roddy: Positronic rocks. Also, I need to have a long talk with my agent. Check out my Insta!
Hellbinder: And from GQ …
Reporter: Kiln, your appearances in Incorrect Quotes are less than half of the Alex and Joey. How does a real man deal with that?
Kiln: Have you actually read my bio?
Reporter: Um …
Kiln: In my time, jesters could speak truth to a god-emperor. But they were presumed intelligent enough to do so.
Kiln: And suffered torments subtle and profound should they fail in that task.
Hellbinder: By which Kiln means: Phoenix Academy has provided a platform for all gender identities, and our “Lose the ‘Lass’ and ‘Lad’” nomenclature initiative has proven extremely successful in reducing gender-binding hero names. Next up, from the Weekly World News …
Reporter: Mette, is it true that the revelation of Elvis’ hidden identity will be a key part of the coming cataclysm that ensures your personal future timeline occurs.
Mette: (Rocks back, eyes rolling up, pain crossing her face. After a moment …) Now I have to kill you.
Hellbinder: And that concludes this press conference. Official PR kits are in the lobby, or available for download from www.PhoenixAcademyHeroes.edu. Thank you for coming.
Kiln: why are you planning to intervene with Roddy and his attempt at romance?
Alex: because of his attitude toward girls he likes
Kiln: I believe in such matters that Roddy is pure of heart
Alex: unfortunately Roddy is also dumb of ass
Kiln: so you are doing this to assist Roddy, yes?
Kiln: then why are we waiting in a dark alley?
Alex: I told you, so we can find a mugger or something
Kiln: who we then defeat
Kiln: so Roddy can claim to have defeated them
Kiln: and impress Gothwitch
Kiln: despite never having done the deed, nor even having met this mugger
Alex: you got it
Kiln: are you sure you’re not overcomplicating this?
Alex: shut up and finish your chili dog
Alex: I’ve planned every part of this scheme to perfection, every detail has been accounted for
Kiln: will a girl be that impressed by a single mugger being defeated?
Alex: okay, new plan. The essence of comedy is timing. Roddy’s superpower is perfect timing. It follows that he should be an amazing comedian. People love someone who makes 'em laugh.
Kiln: Gothwitch does not seem like the sort of person who laughs. Ever.
Alex: no, I’m not doing it. Wild horses can’t drag me to the stupid homecoming dance.
Alex: (trussed up) Kiln, it’s a metaphor. It means I’m unwilling to go
Kiln: (holding several horse reins in hand) However, you agree that there’s enough horses here to physically drag you to the dance
Alex: (grumpy) you are technically correct
Kiln: the best kind of correct
Kiln: Hey Jillian, you drink coffee a lot. What does it taste like?
Jillian: Not as good as it smells, unfortunately.
Kiln: Bit like shampoo then.
Alex: (from the next room) KILN I TOLD YOU, WHEN IT SAYS “BETTER BODY” IT’S TALKING ABOUT YOUR HAIR
Kiln: I knew that
Kiln: (thinking) I wish I’d listened to Alex that one single time
Mette: I want to get something nice for Joey, to say thank you for finding the ship
Alex: a bundle of pencils should be a nice gift
Mette: oh? Does he do a lot of writing?
Alex: (eyeing wood fragments and carbon chips around the team’s base) no
Nono: I’m writing stories about Mr. Brick, only he’s a detective and solves mysteries at school!
Nono: because I wanted him to use a catch phrase. “Something doesn’t add up!”
Emma: write a story where you remind me why we’re dating
Tahi: the temple has lain undisturbed for millennia
Kiln: so you missed out on Chicago style pizza we are so fixing this problem
Roddy: it’s 3am, the rest of us are trying to sleep
Alex: I’m debunking flat earthers on the Internet
Roddy: why? We all know they’re wrong
Alex: yeah but they’re smug about it
Alex: predictably another person ignored the substance of my arguments to claim I’m being paid by the government to spread disinformation
Roddy: but you’re with AEGIS
Alex: that’s the one thing they’ve gotten right this whole conversation!
Joey: what’s up, Danger?
Danger: I have a boyfriend
Joey: god dammit
Villain: i shall crack you open like clams!
Joey: oh yeah? Well… Open this oyster and you’ll get the peril!
Alex: hold on hold on, time out. Ref? Penalty. Can we start this again please?
Mette: even my vague memories of this time period have come in handy so far
Roddy: so your nemesis must be some villain who’s so boring that nobody remembered him in the future