Not an incorrect quote, but when are we going to see more of the Roddy-Gothwitch-Aliud ship?
Hailey: So, did your baked goods work?
Aliud: Unfortunately no. I’m afraid I need more experience.
Hailey: What went wrong?
Aliud: Apparently Chris is an outlier among human in liking chocolate chips with her ramen.
Hailey: … oh no
I am now imagining shenanigans of various classmates all offering awful romance advice and hilarity ensuing.
Aliud: what gesture or action would be construed as romantic?
(individual answers follow)
Roy: just follow them around, they’ll see how dedicated you are!
Aliud: I shall modify my pathfinding algorithm accordingly
Kid Kool: when you’re cool, everyone wants to come to you!
Aliud: I underestimated the importance of refrigeration. Perhaps this ties into Chris’s culinary instruction, and chilled foods are superior
Problem Child: don’t look to me for that kind of advice
Aliud: (turning around, facing away) what gesture or action would be construed as romantic?
Vic: if only I knew, I’d tell you
Aliud: I shall share my eventual findings
Hunter: just act like they’re already interested in you, you don’t have to ask
Aliud: I lack data on my own behavior when someone is interested
Hunter: well you’re outta luck
Aliud: Correlation. Acting is key. Acting is taught in theater. A theater tradition is to say “break a leg” to wish one good luck. I shall find a means by which I can break one leg. Secondary hypothesis. Breaking both legs will double my luck
Nono: um, I think it’s best if you just naturally bump into someone and you feel an attraction, and then you keep finding yourselves running into each other
Aliud: mutual collision is not optimal pathfinding behavior, but I will continue to tune my algorithm
Emma: I dunno, just grab 'em and kiss 'em
Aliud: this is the key to romantic success?
Aliud: I shall study grappling and wrestling techniques. Once I am sure of the first part, I shall study kissing to ensure success at the second
Gothwitch: (long sigh) romance is dead
Aliud: Resuscitation is indicated then? Broken legs also call for medical attention. I should request training in first aid
Poly-Anna: I’d just turn into whoever they wanted most and seduce them
Aliud: a physical remodel of my exterior is a non-trivial effort but I am prepared for it.
Evan: be me. Everyone wants me.
Aliud: this is factually inaccurate. Of the home room members, there are at least–
Evan: (hand over mouth) shush. Don’t spoil the magic.
Seven-Year: nobody could ever want me, so I can’t help you.
Seven-Year: because I’m a visual freak
Aliud: please do not disparage your own appearance. Your LIDAR and sonar silhouettes are not affected by your invisibility
Chris: Cooking, I guess, but I don’t know. I think it really depends on who you want to attract
Aliud: are there individuals who do not consume calories?
Chris: uh, probably just you
Jillian: just be popular
Aliud: how do I become popular?
Jillian: style, panache, uniqueness. Be an individual.
Aliud: how do I be an individual?
Jillian: I’ve written an Instagram Influencer’s guide with step by step instructions
Hailey: don’t ask me about any kind of love, I don’t want any part of it
Aliud: may I ask what you would do if someone expressed romantic interest in you?
Hailey: probably freak out
Aliud: very well. I will endeavor not to collide with you, cook for you, or grapple you
Hailey: uh. Thanks
Aliud: Apologies for our accidental collision.
Aliud: Is something the matter?
Roddy: I think I might be wrong with me…
Aliud: Odd. Is it a trembling feeling in your abdominal or chest region? Those may be signs of something other than illness.
Roddy: No, I just haven’t bumped into to someone by accident in years.
Roddy: You should have been six inches to the left based on the last time I looked at you and you don’t change your path for no reason… oh god, is something wrong with my powers?! I need to go see the nurse. Sorry!
Aliud: Noticing and recalling unimportant details can be a sign of affection.
Joey: If you have two bananas, you give her one.
Aliud: Sharing of fruit would seem to be an offer of mutual prosperity and–
Joey: I WAS KIDDING.
Aliud: So you do not share your bananas.
Joey: I’ve actually never liked bananas, so the question hasn’t come up.
Aliud: So in your past romantic experiences, what gestures or actions were effective?
Joey: I – uh – well, back when I was normal, when I had girlfriends, y’know, lots of girlfriends, and, well, you just kinda look at each other, and hold hands, and it’s quiet, and there’s like this flow of … thoughts? And you know each others’ deepest dreams, so you can make them come true, and it’s just like in movies.
Aliud: I see. So by optimizing data transfer rates …
Roddy: (whispering) He’s never actually had a girlfriend, has he?
Alex: (whispering) Probably not for long.
I did it, I wrote the script. Here’s appearances of named people in incorrect quotes, sorted by appearances.
Agent Waters: 1
Problem Child: 1
I am in no way surprised by those first two numbers. I am, however, surprised Roddy makes more appearances than Kiln.
Kiln: I am told by the others that we do not talk a lot.
Mette: Yeah, chit-chat was discouraged on the ship. Burns oxygen.
Kiln: Warriors do not “chit-chat” either.
Mette: Wait, “warrior”? I thought you were a battle sorcerer. Or a magitechnician. Or a force ninja. Or something.
Kiln: We had different character class rules back in the day.
Mette: So we should talk more. Bump up our appearance stats.
Kiln: Taciturnity becomes a hero. We are defined by purpose, not by witty, incorrect banter.
Mette: You’re likely to be defined by a change in the team line-up.
Kiln: Wait, what?
Mette: I’ve read the illustrated adventure faxes of this era. Quiet characters go nowhere. One day a new writer comes in, and the quiet ones get written out – dead, or retired, or off on a vision quest. Warriors of few words just don’t make it.
Kiln: Wait, I have read of the “Wolverine.” Is he not also a person a few words?
Mette: Are you kidding? He’s a positive chatterbox. “Bub” this and “The best at what I do” that. It’s really repetitive, but continuous.
Kiln: Are you suggesting I need a catch phrase?
Mette: I admit I can see you charging into battle shouting, “I’m a blast from the past, baby!”
Kiln: I’m glad one of us can. Actually, no, I’m not.
Mette: What are these–?
Kiln: Mystic filters for the eyes. When the Skystar blazes its brightest, what it considers your impudent gaze on its mightiness will be protected from the purpureal demons it sends from on high as punishment.
Mette: You mean … these sunglasses will protect my eyes from the Sun and its UV rays.
Kiln: Yes, well, if you want to take all the fun out of it.
Mette: Why are you giving me sunglasses?
Kiln: Thematic costuming. I was thinking about what you said, about needing a catchy phrase to stay popular for our readers.
Mette: Look, I apologized for the “blast from the past” thing. I mean, I’m sure if you just invoke some ancient hero’s name when you charge into battle, that will be fine.
Kiln: I was actually concerned for you. You have even fewer instances of dialog than I do. As a hero, and your teammate and friend, I had to see you were cared for.
Mette: Oh, that’s so sweet.
Kiln: So I have been viewing the entertainments of this era, listening to its chants and folksongs. I believe one is perfect for you.
Mette: Thank you.
Kiln: So don these, and when you charge to battle, invoke this catch phrase: “Future so bright, I gotta wear shades.”
Mette: I – maybe not.
Kiln: I have also hand-sewn this orange padded vest, in case you prefer, “I am going Back to the Future!”
Mette: This might not have been –
Kiln: Too, I have researched a new hairstyle for you, of ringlets held high across your skull, so that you can invoke the war song, “Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love you, Tomorrow! You’re only a day away!”
Mette: I think I liked it better when I was failing to solve your problem.
((Since Roy/Sequoia appears as a speaker three posts above these stats, is there possibly a problem with the script?))
No, I just ran the script before some of those posts were made
Hellbinder: And we’ll take the first question from … E!
Reporter: Alex, your exposure among your team mates is nearly at the top. How does that make you feel?
Alex: Extremely uncomfortable.
Hellbinder: And from People …
Reporter: Joey, you seem to have twice the dialog instances that Sync does. To what do you credit that?
Joey: Everyone loves to look at the monkey.
Hellbinder: By which he means that the platform Phoenix Academy has provided to the alternately bodied provides him with an excellent position to perform before the global audience.
Joey: (Makes a rude gesture.)
Reporter: Roddy, your thoughts.
Roddy: Positronic rocks. Also, I need to have a long talk with my agent. Check out my Insta!
Hellbinder: And from GQ …
Reporter: Kiln, your appearances in Incorrect Quotes are less than half of the Alex and Joey. How does a real man deal with that?
Kiln: Have you actually read my bio?
Reporter: Um …
Kiln: In my time, jesters could speak truth to a god-emperor. But they were presumed intelligent enough to do so.
Kiln: And suffered torments subtle and profound should they fail in that task.
Hellbinder: By which Kiln means: Phoenix Academy has provided a platform for all gender identities, and our “Lose the ‘Lass’ and ‘Lad’” nomenclature initiative has proven extremely successful in reducing gender-binding hero names. Next up, from the Weekly World News …
Reporter: Mette, is it true that the revelation of Elvis’ hidden identity will be a key part of the coming cataclysm that ensures your personal future timeline occurs.
Mette: (Rocks back, eyes rolling up, pain crossing her face. After a moment …) Now I have to kill you.
Hellbinder: And that concludes this press conference. Official PR kits are in the lobby, or available for download from www.PhoenixAcademyHeroes.edu. Thank you for coming.
Kiln: why are you planning to intervene with Roddy and his attempt at romance?
Alex: because of his attitude toward girls he likes
Kiln: I believe in such matters that Roddy is pure of heart
Alex: unfortunately Roddy is also dumb of ass
Kiln: so you are doing this to assist Roddy, yes?
Kiln: then why are we waiting in a dark alley?
Alex: I told you, so we can find a mugger or something
Kiln: who we then defeat
Kiln: so Roddy can claim to have defeated them
Kiln: and impress Gothwitch
Kiln: despite never having done the deed, nor even having met this mugger
Alex: you got it
Kiln: are you sure you’re not overcomplicating this?
Alex: shut up and finish your chili dog
Alex: I’ve planned every part of this scheme to perfection, every detail has been accounted for
Kiln: will a girl be that impressed by a single mugger being defeated?
Alex: okay, new plan. The essence of comedy is timing. Roddy’s superpower is perfect timing. It follows that he should be an amazing comedian. People love someone who makes 'em laugh.
Kiln: Gothwitch does not seem like the sort of person who laughs. Ever.
Alex: no, I’m not doing it. Wild horses can’t drag me to the stupid homecoming dance.
Alex: (trussed up) Kiln, it’s a metaphor. It means I’m unwilling to go
Kiln: (holding several horse reins in hand) However, you agree that there’s enough horses here to physically drag you to the dance
Alex: (grumpy) you are technically correct
Kiln: the best kind of correct