Selma: (Over comms) I’m checking in for the Headmaster. How are things going?
Mette: We’ve encountered beetles! Joe’s up in front!
Selma: Is he jumping up and down and waving his arms and yelling loudly?
Mette: Well, yes.
Selma: I don’t blame him, scoring tickets like that. Paul has always been so dreamy.
Apes: our king has returned!
Roddy: thank you, thank you
Joey: NOT YOU
Apes: our king has returned!
Joey: uh, what should I do first, gang?
Alex: institute a representative democracy
Elder Ape: Our king has returned!
Roddy: We gotta go to the crappy underground ruined temple complex inhabited by smelly hairy guys where I’m the king.
Roddy: Okay, are we at the point in the story where we lead an uprising against you and put your head on a pike?
Joey: What? No!
Roddy: How about the point where you sail off with your troops on a decades-long war against other ape kingdoms?
Joey: No, that would be–
Roddy: Maybe the point where you find a look-alike who’s a pauper ape and swap places so you can walk amongst the common apery?
Joey: No, because I don’t think that’s a word.
Roddy: Then is it time for where you marry a bevy of lovely she-apes so as to prove your alpha apehood and establish your dynasty forever?
Joey: Um–
Mette: No!
Kiln: I have seen the dire summer fleets of the Red Wind set sail, a thousand-strong.
Mette: I have seen the vast depthness of space and the wonders therein.
Alex: I have seen some mind-boggling surveillance video of some top politicians.
Roddy: I have seen my closest friend be crowned king and become lost to us forev–
Joey: I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE, RODDY.
Joey: So, if I’m king, does that mean you have to bow down to me?
Roddy: It would be a pleasure.
Joey: Way to spoil it for me, Roddy.
Joey: I have a million questions, but one of them is most important.
Elder: Yes?
Joey: Is this more a “crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women” kind of a kingship? Or more “Oh, look, the paparazzi got a picture of the king in a funny-looking hat and it’s all over the cover of the Post” kind of kingship?
Elder: Which would you prefer?
Joey: … to tell the truth, it kinda depends on the type of day it’s been.
Joey: (thinking) don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Mette: hello Joey
Joey: h-- hey
(after Mette leaves)
Joey: hail to the king, baby!
Joey: I’m going out exploring.
Alex: The terrain around here’s pretty rough.
Joey: The locals have offered me some transportation, it’ll be fine.
Alex: You going out alone?
Joey: Nah, thought I’d ask Gothwitch and Mette along …
Alex: I am going to introduce these ape folk to the Western values I think everyone needs
Roddy: please don’t get all colonizer here—
Alex: free WiFi for everyone
Roddy: okay you get one free pass on this
Elder: We appreciate your gift of the “Wi Fi,” but the very substance of the temple complex around us permeates the aetheric plane, bringing wisdom and connections between all.
Alex: You mean–
Elder: 30 Terabit local interlinks, with an aggregate 10 Terabit connection into the Hairless Ones’ ‘World Wide Web,’ and another 15 Terabit connection into the Underweave, which is where we store all our streaming media.
Alex: (turning to Joey): You been holding out on me, man!
Roddy: Cool place you have here!
Elder: Thank you. We consider it a holy location. It’s very name, in our language, conveys a subtle combination of profound spiritual growth, immense power, and, ultimately, shelter that guarantees survival and life for future generations.
Roddy: Hey, we have a name, too!
Elder: I’m sure it will bring hope and inspiration to my people.
Roddy: We’re the Tomb Patrol!
Elder: … of course you are.
Elder: I am glad you have come. You know so much more about these temples than we, their inheritor over a hundred generations.
Kiln: Glad to help.
Elder: Now, this is the meeting place of our Tribal Council.
Kiln: I think this was originally the stables.
Elder: And this, a chamber for contemplation and reflection.
Kiln: Originally a broom closet – see the wall brackets?
Elder: And this is the cafeteria.
Kiln: Oh, no.
Elder: Yes? Have we primitives made another dismayingly inappropriate error?
Kiln: No, it actually was the cafeteria. I just remembered how much I miss kraken tendies.
Alex: Congrats, man.
Joey: Whuh?
Alex: Kissing Mette. Perfect timing. I caught it on the drone I left in the sitting room.
Joey: Great, now everyone will know!
Alex: Of course not …
Roddy: (pokes head in) He shoots! He scores!
Kiln: (also pokes head in) May your kisses bring tranquility to your spirit.
Alex: … except for the folk who are subscribed to my streaming channel …
Hellbinder: (over comms) Bravo, my boy.
Alex: … or any pirates.
Roddy: So, what line did you use?
Joey: Line?
Roddy: I mean, to get Mette to kiss you.
Joey: None. It was just an honest moment, and I – I just leaned over and kissed her –
Roddy: Hold that thought! (Runs out.)
Joey: Whuh?
Purple Chicken: (Waddles into room.) That was a terrible idea.
Arizella: While we encourage social and even romantic interactions between students, bear in mind there are rules.
Joey: Um …
Mette: Er …
Arizella: If you are, in fact, going to engage in physical contact, be sure and leave room for Aphrodite.
Mette: Huh?
Joey: Don’t you mean, leave room for Jesus?
Arizella. No, Aphrodite. She loves to join in on stuff like that.
Kiln: This is wrong.
Joey: Feels pretty right to me.
Alex: We’ve determined the one-time Guardian of this Temple did whatever they could to meet the requests of the Gorilla King.
Joey: Yup. I hear you.
Kiln: The Guardian’s judgment may not have always been … wise.
Joey: Hmmmmmmmm.
Alex: You do realize that heated vibrating massage chair was once the temple’s primary laser defense grid control system.
Joey: Ooooooooh yeah.
Vic: do anything fun this weekend?
Alex: I rebuilt an old software system for monitoring and deploying apes
Vic: you mean apps?
Alex: no
Continued here
