I didn’t know it would come to an end like this. But I learned several important things, some of them about myself.
- I’m hanging up a dream I had since I was a little kid.
- I don’t feel upset, or angry. I don’t really feel anything at all about it.
- “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”
- “And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
- As the silence filled the lonely air / Oh, they can hear now now now baby / We see a storm is closing in / Pretending we’re escaping
- Everything I’ve been doing has been trying to recapture the magic of that relationship, that one special thing.
- Even trying to help Alycia is sort of self-serving. I just want to be Pneuma again, that loving girl who helps someone in pain through their troubles.
- The problem is that I’m surrounded by people who are in pain. There’s only so much of me to give, and I really work best one-on-one, shaping myself to one person.
- It’s so god damn hard too, because with Leo and Otto I could be open, I could say anything, I could be bluntly honest, but I can’t do that any more.
- It’s too late to be a child. I have my synthetic memories, and they’re wonderful. I just hoped I could make some authentic memories just as I dunno, charming and goofy and innocent.
- I watched Inside Out again recently. God, when the memory came out blue-gold with Joy and Sadness together, and you knew it was just never going to be the same, I started bawling. I couldn’t stop crying, because that’s what it was for me.
- There’s just no more room for silly dreams in my heart. It’s all going to be complicated, from now on.
- I know why Aria wants to be a mother so badly. She can’t be a girl any more. She has to be a woman, she’s grown so much and it’s like she’s bursting out of her shell and transforming herself is the only way to survive being bigger.
- How am I going to survive that feeling?
- When the Joy & Sadness memory came out, though, it was a happy ending. I have to hold onto that.
- Also, I’m pretty sure Riley fucked up some people on the ice with that hockey stick.
- Don’t mess with Minnesota, man.
Papillon Witch Radiance won’t be back next week. But she’ll be back some day.
Alycia, I’m emailing you these four stupid things I wrote. You don’t have to read them. But if you do, I really want you to know one thing:
You are important. You matter. And we like you.
It feels like sometimes you and I talk, and we’re making a connection, or I’m getting closer to seeing you better, and you run away. I don’t know if I make you angry, or if you are afraid, or if something else is going on.
Whenever you run, though, for whatever reason, I promise when you come back - if you come back - I will be here, and everything will be okay again.
You will always have a home.
Okay, that’s a lot of things. Whatever.
You don’t have to reply to this, or even acknowledge it, if you don’t want. Maybe it’d be easier on you if you don’t. Maybe you’d cuss me out, and I could do without that too. Anyway. It’s okay.
Just don’t, y’know, put any of this up on group chat or Reddit or anything. Or bad things will happen.
author: Bill G.