03.1 - Reboot Monologues

Links go to relevant memes or scenes.

BIOS Date 09/29/19 15:43:29 Ver: 08.00.15
Memory Test: 128420K OK
PMU ROM Version: 9303
NVMM ROM Version: 4.092.88
01 USB bus init 7f46326f-78a2-4d24-a818-7f45d57ceb1c

Welp, this is it. I’m flat on my back, helpless and alone.

I can’t even light myself a cigarette.

I don’t smoke, so I guess it’s okay. Maybe if I had some Red Vines. Plus Mr. Pibb equals crazy delicious.

Could be a lollypop.

Miracle Max will find my dumb ass and pronounce me only mostly dead. What’s keeping me alive? It’s not true love. Fuck, nobody even knows I’m up here. Story of my life. Save the day, swoop in, like Napoleon Solo and Kuryakin. THRUSH was serious business, but they would always just burst in on some random citizen who had no context for what was going on.

Who’s gonna find me? What the hell should I say?

Student: who are you?
Me: no one of consequence.

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…

Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where is Buttercup?

Who else can’t move? Huh.

Do you expect me to talk? No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

Hey thanks for saving the school Alex. Good job, Alex.

Fuckin. Welp.

If I die here, that will be the last human being on Earth who saw “Police Academy: the Animated Series”.

Who’s the worst person that could find me here? Let’s review.

Worst to best. Hunter. Anna. Roy. Jillian. Derek. Emma. Vic. Tiffani. Evan. Nono. Hailey. Aliud. Paul. Allan. Chris. Kiln. Mette. Joe. Roddy.

Any actual danger from anyone here? Probably not. But this would be really embarrassing. I need some kind of cool bullshit response if someone I know finds me.

They’re probably downstairs hanging out with Power Stone. Technotronic? Prowler Tonic? Bah.

This ceiling tiling is stupid. The particle board is real authentic shit, this isn’t even the half-assed attempt to paper over metal sheets. If there’s an earthquake, there’s gonna be kibble that breaks off from that and falls on my face. That’s nasty.

Someone better find me. I’m gonna have to pee sooner or later.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. His name is my name too. Whenever we go out, the people always shout, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, tralalalala.

It was midnight on the ocean, not a streetcar was in sight, the sun was shining brightly 'cause it rained all day that night. 'Twas a summer’s day in winter and the snowflakes fell like glass, a barefoot boy with shoes on stood sitting on the grass.

Ain’t we crazy, ain’t we crazy? We’re singing just to pass the time away.
Ain’t we crazy, ain’t we crazy? We’ll sing this little song all night today.

Well the man behind the counter was a woman old and gray, who used to peddle donuts on the road to Mandalay. Her children six were orphans, except one tiny tot, who lives upstairs, across the street, above the vacant lot.


99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer…


Sync: You did an amazing thing today!
Alex: Really?
Sync: Yeah!
Alex: Thanks, that really means a lot right now.
Sync: No worries, pal! I got a fist bump from Powertronic!
Alex: What?
Sync: If you hadn’t given me the heads up about Powertronic coming in today, I wouldn’t have been able to talk to him. Thanks a lot! That’s the best thing you’ve done today in my eyes!
Alex: (deadpan) Thank, pal…

1 Like

I am somewhat intrigued that Joey is the second least worst person who could find him.

Joe wouldn’t be likely to make fun of Alex in such a situation, and they wouldn’t have to cook up a bullshit explanation for his benefit, so he placed high. The only person who placed higher has hands which could probably operate a soldering iron without incident, should that be necessary.

Yeah, I probably wouldn’t trust Joe with a soldering iron on my body parts. Although he’d do his darnedest if he had to.

69 bottles of beer on the wall, 69 bottles of beer…

Haha, 69. I wonder if one bottle would hang upside down next to another one.

How the hell do you hang bottles of beer on the wall, anyway? What the hell is up with this song?

Enough dirty jokes. Let’s do some threat assessment.

Duck Hunter. Fuck no am I comfortable with a skeeze like that find any student on their back in an empty class room.

Anna Bo Banna Banana Fanna Fo Fanna. I have no idea what kind of weird shit she would think about doing.

Roy. Same deal as Duck Hunter only I don’t think he’s as assertive. Lucky me.

Jillian. Oh god, I’d have to put up with her bullshit teasing forever.

Oil Derek. If I have to hear from anyone about this, it’s not going to be the broski nicknamed “Kid Kool”.

Hot Mess. Same thing as Jillian, only more fire. I think being found like this by the Prom Queen would be worse those.

Vic? Uh. I don’t want that guy seeing me out of commission. He might try to cheer me up and that’s not going to work out for anyone.

Tiffani. The snide “what are you doing on the floor for?” would be the worst. On the bright side I don’t expect to ever see her in a science classroom.

Evan. Just having that guy in any kind of superior position grates on me. He’s not a problem, I’d just be pissed off.

Nono. Ehhhh, not terrible by herself, but she’d tell Emma about it.

Hailey. I have no idea, so by default uncertainty is bad.

Aliud. I don’t know that it wasn’t them what did this to begin with. An encounter might give me some kind of useful information, but if it was them, well, I’m very much at a disadvantage, aren’t I? I could try playing it off but I’m not a great actor. Still, that’d definitely close the case, which would be much less troublesome than having me play detective for another week.

Paul. Probably the median score for good-bad scenarios here.

Allan. Probably sympathetic to someone in a bad situation, but as useless to help as any other non-technical kid here.

Chris. She’d probably offer to help but I don’t think she’d be good at it, other than just propping me up and putting fucking ribbons in my hair or something. Oh god no.

Kiln. On friendly terms as a teammate, but they’d need the most explanation of anyone here. “So this … electricity, it can operate devices?” Oh god, I don’t want to have to teach all the way through Maxwell just to explain it. And I don’t know they’d just help me up and walk away.

Mette. Imagine driving a 2019 Prius and finding a 1965 Ford Fairlane in the ditch. Oh god, the superiority would be dripping from her voice if she found out I had faulty bionics. I don’t know if she’d even mean it, and maybe it’d just be me, but whatever.

It’ll be like BOB. “Carry on the tradition. We’re the best.”

Joe? Probably very sympathetic to someone in a bad position, only he can’t hold a god damn soldering iron.

Roddy? Basically like Joe, but could actually follow directions and do repairs.

Huh, I hear someone coming! It’s Roddy. Oh thank god–

(cue conversation)


Kiln trying to help Alex:


(And his tone of voice when he says that.)