Alex: I skipped school a lot to stay on the computer
Nono: what did you tell your parents to get away with that?
Alex: I had a hacking cough
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Nono: I’ve been documenting our spy adventures as fiction!
Alycia: surely you haven’t compromised us by daring to post them anywhere people will see
Nono: are you kidding? I have some notion of OPSEC
Nono: I posted them to my other Tumblr account
Alycia: you have until I’ve reloaded and a round is in the chamber to delete them
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Keri: the hat is too big!
Quinn: hats can never be too big
Keri: and what are these clashing colors?
Quinn: it’s attention grabbing!
Keri: Adam is an Autumn, you cannot put Spring colors on him!
(the entire Concordance armada is bearing down)
Adam: can we talk about this later–
Keri, Quinn: NO!
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Nono: now that I’m part of a secret covert ops group in Antarctica, nobody can possibly find my secret porn folder
John: we found your secret porn folder
Alex: your security is abysmal! I can help though.
Emma: your shit is vanilla. You need to be violent, degrading, and disrespectful to the laws of God and man.
Jason: I’m deeply uncomfortable with your choice of uh, characters. Please consider writing “JQ” out entirely.
Alycia: your work was barely readable. Your grammar, spelling, character voice, and plotting are all unacceptably below my standards. We’ll talk later.
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Vermillion: oh yes, the peasants under imperial rule loved the Romanovs, and the revolution was deeply unpopular with everyone
Charlotte: is that really true?
Vermillion: no it is Czarcasm
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Citizen: when I saw her, I just couldn’t move
Citizen: the world felt like it froze just so I could look at her
Citizen: my heart skipped every other beat
Sloth: sorry… about… that…
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Jason: I want to tell Alycia about her mother but I don’t think she wants to hear about it
Leo: do you know anyone on this team who might want to learn more about their parents?
Jason: no, no, I’m picking up what you’re putting down
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Alex: I need to attract John and you three have successful romantic lives. What really made you take notice of your partner’s potential?
Nono: she dazzled me with open flame
Emma: she punched me in the face in a restaurant
Alycia: we were both traumatized by a conflict between our fathers and sought refuge with each other due to a turbulent, desperate emotional dynamic
Alex: you know what I’m just gonna try a sundress
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Adam: everyone on my team has good relationships with their families
Space Bug: my species shun and hate me for being a mutant
Adam: Jordan asked if you can come over and play
Space Bug: I suppose species and family need not be the same, no
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Otto: listen I know that it’s your secret underwater city and all but I feel this is non-negotiable
Aria: I just don’t see how your idea can be implemented in any feasible fashion
Aria: if you can’t handle that then we might just never see eye to eye
Otto: I’m just saying, we need our own sports team
Alex: what do you associate with the term “nuts and bolts”?
Alex: SNOWMAN’s love life!
Alex: wakka wakka wakka!
(Sound of incoming gunfire)
Alex: anyway that’s my show thanks you’ve been a great crowd gotta go
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Alex: you know that saying, “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile?”
Alex: Alycia Chin took a mile and a half from Jason last night!
Alex: wakka wak–
(Alycia applies a choke hold; Alex desperately tries to tap out)
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Emma: hey, after all the dirty jokes, I’m thinking of roasting Alex, you’re invited
John: you mean “roast” as in “fling funny insults at someone”, right?
John: Emma?
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Khamala Amari: we need someone to look after Jordan while we’re gone, and your friends have proven themselves capable and reliable. So we went with one
Adam: sounds reasonable, I think I could trust them
Alex: (lugging in a bunch of CDs and Blu-Ray discs) heeeeey! I came prepared for a thorough cultural education
Adam: I can’t trust this one
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Alex: okay, now press play on that thing
Jordan: okay! What are you doin’ there?
Alex: hacking our stream into C-SPAN
Jordan: (echoing the stream playback) YABBA-DABBA-DOO!
Allow me to present the end result of me wracking my brain trying to figure out if Alex and Adam had ever met (featuring a reference to my “only alluded to in the SOTM cards” story).
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This is the single best payoff in the history of everything
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Nono: I’ve prepared my report on the MIA shipping situation
Nono: we have Jason/Alycia, Emma/Nono, and by process of elimination and some careful eavesdropping, John/Alex
Nono: we have some critical issues here. For example, there are two “J/A” ships within just this group. Someone is obviously going to have to change their name.
Nono: next, while both J/A ships have their share of fans, some variety wouldn’t hurt
Alycia: can we talk about this after we discuss the impending invasion of Ruritania?
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Nono: I think we have two paths forward. First, we swap partners so it’s Jason/Alex and John/Alycia
John, Alycia: (simultaneously) No
Jason: yeah I’m not sure about this either
Alex: I dunno, do I get access to your nanobots for hacking purposes?
Nono: our other option is J/J and A/A ships
Jason, John: (simultaneously) No
Alex: I gotta object on shipping grounds. I worked closely with Parker and she’s basically Alycia’s step-mom so this would be one of those “lovers become step-siblings” manga situations and that is so overdone
Nono: curses, defeated in my own lair!
Alycia: (shooting at invading soldiers) what would it take for any of you to take this situation seriously?
Nono: I’m taking it very seriously! Cliched manga setups are the bane of true shippers!
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